Before I begin let me say that this blog is meant as humor and in no way do I condone alcoholism or cannibalism, it is truly just meant to make you laugh or at least smile. Enjoy.
It’s curious to me that in 2012 whether you are an outdoors advocate or you are a home body there are survival kits for everyone. There are kits that will keep you plump and satisfied with freeze dried food while the rest of the world goes to hell in a hand basket. There are ready to eat meals for you if you are miles and miles away from the nearest Chick-Fil-A and the closest thing to resembling nourishment is tree bark and some wild berries that you will probably be paying for eating later on behind the bushes. There are survival kits with all the necessities to sustain life and keep you going through the next Armageddon. While I was thinking about all the niceties these kits include, such as beef stroganoff or lasagna, I thought hey, I know what kind of survival kit I would put together and the 4 things I would include, and so for your reading enjoyment here are the four things I am packing for the end of the world.
The very first item I am packing is God. Now regardless of your religious belief, for me God is essential. Not only will He bring comfort to me while the world is falling down all around me, once it is all over and creation is laid to waist, I’ll have someone to talk to and I won’t get bored while I am trying to clean things up and get my life organized once again. But for those who still say, but you can’t put God into a survival kit, ok, I will pack my bible to appease you. There is nothing like a scripture from Lamentations or Job to put things into perspective while the earth is literally going to hell around you.
Secondly I am packing my wife/therapist. When life seems to be crashing in around me and no one seems to be listening to anything I have to say and honestly, I feel like people think I’m crazy for asking silly questions, who better to tell me, “hey, you ARE crazy just get over it”, then my wife. You see my wife is actually better then a therapist because she already knows I’m crazy to begin with plus I don’t have to pay her by the hour to listen to my sob stories. Besides on those days I feel God isn’t listening, at least I know I will have one other attentive ear I can annoy the hell out of for a while. Also, who is going to cook for me? Now as sexist as that sounds in reality it’s not. She has the benefit of me bringing home our neighbors who we will feast on, someone has to cook, I can’t be expected to do it all, hunting, gathering and cooking.
Thirdly I would pack a punching bag. Why in the world would I pack a punching bag you ask? Well, how in the world am I going to be able to work through all that frustration of having to start from the very beginning, eat my neighbors and clean up all the mess left by the ending of the world? There are days frustration is going to build up inside of me and when that happens, I am going to need to hit something and I can’t punch God and why would I want to hurt the next to last person on earth that I can talk to and my cook. That would just alienate me from, well everyone. So yes, I am grabbing that punching bag and putting it into the kit. Besides I am going to have to stay in shape to go hunting for meals.
Lastly, I am packing a shot glass. We all know what that shot glass is for don’t we. It is for those days when I will need to drown my sorrows. Those days when it feels like, well, the end of the world and I just need to escape the cold harsh reality that surrounds me, so I am going to party like a rock star, somewhere between the neighborhoods of Brett Michaels and Keith Richards and drink till I pass out. In the morning I will awaken and find myself in front of the almighty porcelain thrown where I will be calling out, “oh God”! And at that moment as all of you see, I am right back to the first item I packed for the end of the world and I will breath a great sigh of relief and say, “God, am I glad I packed You”.